


헛된 상상

by Minhoandthebabes



Category: K-pop, SHINee
Genre: M/M, New Year’s Eve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22869019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minhoandthebabes/pseuds/Minhoandthebabes
Summary: Pairing: Jonghyun / TaeminRating: ranging between G and RWarnings: alcohol(?)Length: ~5kSummary: next door neighbors in an apartment have crushes on each other but they both don’t know the other likes them. they go to the apartment complex’s New Year’s Eve party and end up getting to know one anotherA/N: this came about spontaneously, and was completed in the span of… a few days? Always a fun learning curve when I write with minhoandthebabes. Title is from a song by our very own shy neighbour. Bonus points on guessing correctly - IQ (quagmireisadora.tumblr.com)I haven’t posted in ages but I’m always writing with quagmireisadora!! We wrote this during one of our role playing sessions. I hope we can do it again sometime! It was really fun! (And she helps me finish things hehe)
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun/Lee Taemin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24
Collections: Winter of SHINee





	헛된 상상

New Year’s Eve.. Taemin wouldn’t be going to the awkward event unless he truly had a reason to attend. However, with the possibility of meeting the short man who lived next door with the voice of an angel, he had to go.

Taemin donned his tightest pants, his nicest shirt, and did his hair up off of his face, a style his mom had repeatedly told him made him look more handsome. 

Finally, he stood before the door to the outer garden and hesitated before entering. 

The housing complex was largely middle-class, Jonghyun assessed. 

He hadn’t had an easy time acquiring a place to live here, as he recalled. They were only accepting applications from families or old couples. Foreigners and single people were not preferred tenants, the agent had told him by a strictly-worded email: a fact reinforced by the crowds he saw during events like tonight.

The poolside was decorated with incandescent string lights. The garden between the stilt parking and the row of misplaced tropical palms, was near bursting. Little children were running about in their best clothes, parents were socialising in predetermined circles. Some teens moped by themselves while others laughed raucously within their own cliques. 

As he observed from his quiet corner, an old ahjumma, one of the many friendly faces he encountered in his time here, came over to pull his cheek and ask him how he was. He exchanged pleasant banter with her and she made him promise to come over and pick up a few side dishes she’d kept aside for him. 

"And?" she asked him. "You're alone tonight? No special lady?"

He blushed at the line of questioning, regardless of who it came from. "Haven't found the right one, halmoni. Maybe you can help?" 

She chuckled and fussed over him.

Jonghyun got along swimmingly with old women. Grandmothers who were forced to live with their absent sons and daughters-in-law; forced to tend to their less-than-grateful grandchildren. Forced to live in a society that had suddenly leapt forward in time within the last twenty years. To Jonghyun, who had to write an attested letter promising he wouldn’t recruit any flatmates or bring home any girls who weren’t family, they were his only company outside of work. And maybe in a way, he was theirs.

“But,” she pointed out to him. “A young one like you should be on the rooftop. With the other young people.”

The other young people referred to the other single women and men. But homeowners, as opposed to leaseholders like him. The snobby “I can afford to buy a house even in this economy” type of people. He didn’t like them, he didn’t mingle with them, and he was certainly not going to the rooftop to be with them. 

“Are you trying to get rid of me, halmoni?” he joked. She laughed with him and linked their arms. “Come, let me introduce you to my granddaughter…” she began leading him away.

Taemin opened the door and nearly ran into his neighbour being lead by some elderly woman through the crowds.

He blushed after having gently bumped into the man and bowed in quick apology before slipping off to the rooftop bar, a more appropriate venue for a single man.

The bar was crowded and he nodded to those around him, keeping generally quiet. Taemin typically kept you himself in these situations, he kept to himself when he was trapped in these scenarios, it was his protective response when faced with social situations.

He ordered a drink and found a seat to himself, sitting on the edge as he looked out on the city below.

Jonghyun was surprised by the sight of the young man as they left. His neighbour. Or at least, they lived on the same floor, even if they didn’t share a wall. He didn’t know much about the man, except that he was probably married--he had only ever encountered the other when a tall young woman was draped over his arm, her legs long and her face small. He’d assumed they were a couple, but had never tried to further their interactions or sate his curiosity.

The party was quite well-planned. There was food, there were drinks, there were games and performances and even a few speeches from the society management team. He sat through all of them, wearing his usual amicable smile, chuckling in the right places, whoo-ing at the appropriate facts. He did his bit, and as the place started to thin out into mostly younger couples, he felt his interest wane.

“Oh, Jonghyun ssi,” one of the other residents approached him. Jinki, he remembered the name after a little digging through his memory. Lee Jinki, who also worked in the IT sector like himself. Married, and a baby on the way, he noticed the sociable woman chattering away nearby.

“I’m surprised you’re still down here? The real party is on the roof, you know?” the man chuckled and patted his arm.

“Ah…” Jonghyun managed. “I--didn’t really know anyone else going there so--”

“Well, now you do,” Jinki held his arm tighter and threw a sneaky look towards his wife before walking them to the lifts. “Quick, before she notices.”

Taemin sat, nursing his drink as he looked out over the city scape. He was beginning to wonder if he should have brought Minjung along. She was always entertaining but this wasn’t about her, his goal was different.

When Minjung was in a room, it was as if everyone naturally gravitated towards her. She radiated a positive energy that everyone fell in love with. Taemin would have been under her charm as well, if he didn’t know about her many silly flaws that made her human.

They had been good friends ever since they were younger, he knew all her quirks, all her skeletons in the closet, and she knew his.

Tonight, however, was about getting out of his comfort zone and finally talking to that handsome man he felt so drawn to.

Jinki was quick to order several shots for them, lining them up and rubbing his hands in excitement. “Another hour to go!” he said with far too much cheer for a man just about to have alcohol. “Let’s go crazy, Jonghyun ssi.”

Jonghyun gave a weak smile and tentatively touched his first glass. On the count of three, they both picked up the shot and gulped the next three in quick succession. The other man seemed to only be invigorated by each turn, but Jonghyun’s stomach weighed down like a pool of mercury sat in it. He hated drinking, even for parties where he was playing host. He hated it so much, that when the government banned the “compulsory” drinking marathons forced upon employees by their overbearing bosses, Jonghyun celebrated. He celebrated by drinking hot chocolate, in defiance.

Hissing from his fifth shot, Jinki patted Jonghyun’s back and laughed. “What’s wrong?” he encouraged. “Don’t tell me you’re tapping out already? Come on, man, this is the only chance I get to be wild.”

“Be wild?!” a voice called from behind them. They both jumped a full foot in the air before Jinki winced and turned around. 

“O-oh… jagi,” he chuckled, but there was clear dread in his eyes.

“Yes. Jagi,” Gwiboon raged as she stomped over in her perfect heels and beautiful dress. The bump in her midriff did nothing to take away from the ensemble. “Here I am, waiting for you to take me home, and you’re drinking. Drinking?!”

Jinki backed away. “Ehe… it’s just a few--”

“If I don’t get to drink, you don’t get to drink,” Gwiboon placed her ultimatum. It sounded like the thunder of a god to Jonghyun’s disoriented mind. “And look!" she tutted and shook her head pityingly. "You’re dragging poor Jonghyun ssi into your worthless games!”

“Looks like I’ve been hit, buddy. You have to go on without me,” Jinki looked at him with some humor before carefully approaching his wife.

Taemin turned when he heard the yelling in the distance. He’s even more surprised when he sees the familiar man in the middle of it. He assumed the man was quite like him. When the man was left alone he could see the awkwardness on his face and chose to approach carefully.

“Um, hey.. everything alright?” He asks carefully.

"E-eh?!" Jonghyun blinked, his sight swimming a little. He reached out nearby and felt for a chair. A bar stool. Anything to rest on for a moment. "Uhm… I…?" 

Jinki and Gwiboon walked away, arm in arm. He stared at them as the glass doors of the lift closed on their backs, one arguing and the other placating. Then he turned again to the man in front of him. 

It took him a moment to recognize the other. "Ah. Hello," he managed after several confused and awkward moments. "Uhm. Are you… is your evening going well?"

Taemin blushed but nodded, “you.. seem to be a bit drunk.” He hums, “stay here, I’ll get you some water, okay?”

He quickly ran to the bar and grabbed a water bottle as well as some snacks before running back.

“Here,” he sat down across from the man and handed him the goodies. 

Jonghyun frowned. "Uhh… thanks?" he replied. Holding his hand out, he introduced himself. "Kim Jonghyun, who lives in 203. Nice to meet you, Mr...?”

“Taemin, lee taemin,” he shook the man’s hand eagerly. “I’m 205, I’ve seen you around..” he smiled, hoping the smile would make the sentence sound a little less creepy..

He nodded. "Y-yes… likewise," he gave an uncomfortable laugh. "And… the missus isn't attending...?" he looked around them for the tall woman. As he did, the speakers started to blare loud music, making his jump for a second time that evening. 

Jonghyun covered his ears and looked around helplessly for an escape.

Taemin couldn’t help but laugh, “you think I’m married?” He asked, sipping from his drink. 

When the music began he was shocked by Jonghyun’s reaction, but his hand automatically came out to protect the cowering man.

“Let’s get you somewhere a bit more quiet..” he led the other by his wrist, carrying his drink with him as they found the same quieter stretch of bar that looked out to the city scape below.

Jonghyun let himself be led away, groaning at the sounds pounding through the slab and vibrating everything around them. It was like someone had taken a saw and was cutting out holes in the walls with it, letting the concrete shower all around them. He looked over to the music system and shocked himself again when he found people moving and shaking there--a full-fledged dance floor. How were they not affected?!

He didn't like loud music or crowded places. He didn't like noisy and overly bright places. It had taken a lot of convincing the landlord to allow him heavier curtains and darker interiors in the apartment. He liked being indoors, in the quiet, at home. It was his sanctuary. 

Turning to his companion, he managed a meek smile. "S-so as I was saying... the beautiful lady. I--" he scratched his cheek. "Is that not your...?"

“Oh god no!” Taemin laughed, “she’s just an old friend.. she’s actually dating some guy.. I can’t remember his name.. what was it?” He shook his head, “anyway, yeah, I’m uh.. pretty single.” As he admitted it he felt a blush spread through his cheeks. 

"Ah..." he sighed, suddenly feeling sad about it all. "That's a shame. You two make--" he nodded. "You look good together."

Taemin snorted, “she’d kill you if she heard you say that..” he shook his head, “she’s not exactly the type of person I would typically date anyway..”

He looks at the man next to him, a little short in stature but a good body type, and good bone structure. Whenever he would run into him in the hallway he always found himself staring, and now that he was faced with him, he almost felt allowed to stare.

“How about you?” He finally asked after realising he had made the situation awkward, “are you seeing anyone?” 

Jonghyun sat holding his head while the music played in the background. The other man--Taemin, he said his name is Taemin, he reminded himself--asked him things. Tried being friendly. He seemed nice enough but the atmosphere wasn't conducive to a nice conversation. Not in Jonghyun's eyes, at least.

"Uhm. Sorry, but can we go somewhere else?" he requested. "Like the poolside? Downstairs? I just--" he motioned to his ears and then the large speakers. "Sorry…"

Taemin blushed, “of course..” he smiled, “I’ll lead you okay? Let’s go to the pool bar.” He lead Jonghyun from the room and felt a sense of peace once they were in the elevator.

The music reverberated through the structure as they traveled through it. On the ground floor, they walked out into the parking and made their way over to the poolside--now emptied of its occupants. The tables and chairs looked sad, abandoned. Here and there disposable cutlery littered the grass. Jonghyun suddenly worried about the cleaning staff who'd have to come in tomorrow morning. 

Without a word, he started collecting all the rubbish he noticed.

"So…" he continued conversationally. "You were saying your friend would kill me?" 

“Well, it was a joke..?” Taemin watched the man with confusion and then concern. “What are you doing?”

He leaned down and placed a hand on his arm, “Jonghyun.. why are you..?” He frowned, “you don’t need to do that.” 

"A-ah…!" he looked back at the other with some embarrassment. "Uhm. I'm just. I feel bad," he motioned to the garden around them. "We all have a good time at these functions. And then wake up the next morning to find everything back in its place," he sighed, a piece of plastic fluttering in his hand as if to prove his point.

"I just… I don't want to be a burden on someone else," he blinked at the man a moment. Feeling a burn rise in his face, he turned away and continued picking up trash to throw into a dustbin nearby.

Taemin watched in curiosity for a moment before he leaned down and helped the other, “while I agree with you.. I’m pretty sure those people get paid for doing that. Wouldn’t we take those jobs away by doing this?”

His hands were full of the forks and napkins, “I’m more annoyed with people not picking up after themselves..” he mumbled, his voice clearly showing that annoyance.

Jonghyun didn't comment. He continued to clear the grass until he was satisfied, then took a seat at one of the tables. He checked the time: another half hour to midnight. 

"Do you have any new year's resolutions?" he asked, trying to revive the conversation.

Taemin hummed, “get a relationship?” He offered but continued, “I guess I have that one every year though.. this year, I’d like to move up in my job a bit. I seem to have gotten myself stuck in a rut,” he shrugs, “how about you?”

Jonghyun smiled at the hope in the other's words. He listened closely, following every lilt in pronunciation, every minuscule change in note. 

"I… I haven't thought of one yet, to be honest," he admitted. "Last year I wanted to buy a new car for my noona. I couldn't do that…" He thought back to his sister's glee when she'd first laid eyes on the second-hand vehicle. Her face had lit up like fireworks going off under her skin. "And--" he continued. "I also wanted to find someone I could like a lot. But," he shrugged. "Resolutions like that are hard to keep, aren't they?"

“Resolutions like that.. usually require someone in the same position.” Taemin offered, before shakily grabbing his glass to take a long drink. He could feel the alcohol rushing through his veins, giving him more confidence.

He looked on with curiosity but didn't respond. 

His head and pulse had slowed, and the drink was gradually making its way around his blood, dissipating through it. He leaned on an elbow and chuckled. "It must be something about these nights," he shook his head. "I usually don't sleep well. But when I have to stay up," he pointed at the rooftop. "For birthdays, or for new years… I can't seem to do it. I start getting drowsy."

He relaxed into his chair and sighed. The night was cool, the air light. He could tell similar parties were taking place nearby, the sound blocked by no more than high walls and tall trees. He tried to think of a time when he'd celebrated the changing of years like this--and only came up with memories of him and his family during Sollal. 

The recollection didn't surprise him, Jonghyun wasn't a partying kind of guy. Not in the last few years, anyway. Maybe some of that had dulled in him after college, maybe it had slowly disappeared with time; as the years went by and he got older and older, his mind grew quieter. Maybe that was it. But he liked being around people, he reasoned to himself. He liked making new friends--like this man, his neighbour. Lee Taemin ssi. He seemed decent enough, but it was only opportunities like tonight where Jonghyun had enough courage to approach strangers and try to engage with them.

He smiled lazily at the other. "Do you like your life here?" he asked, and realizing how abrupt that sounded, only continued to clarify. "In this complex, I mean. With all these people," he gestured above them to the twenty storeys of windows.

Taemin chuckled gently, looking back at Jonghyun. His life here, did he like it? Wasn’t it just ordinary living? There wasn’t anything special about this place, just a temporary home.

Or was it? Seeing Jonghyun, when he had, always left him smiling..

“Of course.. how can I not enjoy life here!” He smiled, “the landlord is nice, and.. I like who I live around, you know.. the neighbors are nice.” 

Jonghyun realised something at that juncture, as he did in many other, similar junctures. That he was sharing this world with these people, these neighbours. These couples and singletons and ahjummas and children who ran amok any chance they got. It was an overwhelming thought: that he wasn't alone, that he didn't live and work and function in isolation. He shared. He coexisted. He was espoused by and cut out of not different groups, but portions of the same whole. 

Maybe the drink had been creeping into his thoughts and scrambling them while he didn't notice. He closed his eyes against his palm and sighed once more. "Yeah…" he managed softly. "Yeah, it's a nice place to live in."

Taemin smiled as he watched Jonghyun think through things, “I’ve always been curious.. someone like you, what’s your place like?” He asked, “thinking about how you look.. I bet it’s soft and dark, you seem to like dark clothes, but.. sometimes I see you in soft sweaters..” he blushed at the memory of the man nearly running into him in a soft turtleneck. “There’s something soft about you.. let me guess, you have candles?” 

The drink again, Jonghyun thought. It had to be. This man, this stranger, was being far too forward with him. Far too friendly. Was Jonghyun imagining these words? This conversation? This entire evening? 

He gulped and looked around himself, a little panicked. Was he dreaming? "Uhh… I--no," he replied, uneasily. "No. I'm not allowed candles in the apartment. Fire hazard."

Taemin sensed the discomfort and backed off, “Sorry, that was probably too personal..” he mumbled, looking out to the serene pool. “You swim?” He asked.

There was some whiplash in the change of mood, but he stayed. He didn't want to leave a poor impression, even if this wasn't real. "Yes," he nodded. "Yes. In the summer I like to use the pool." He gave a tentative smile. 

"What about Taemin ssi?" he tried. "How do you spend your time?" 

“My time?” He kept his eyes on the pool, “I go to clubs and dance..” he smiled, “I watch tv, but mostly.. I just work.” 

"Ah…" he nodded. "Does Taemin ssi work in IT as well?" 

Taemin smiled, “I work a boring desk job..” he laughed, “so you work IT?” 

"To afford the rent in this place… yes," he sighed, but smiled just the same. "Jinki ssi--if you've met him--? He used to be my sunbae, but I changed jobs recently, so," he shrugged. 

"Taemin ssi must know other people who live here?" he suggested. "You… seem like a social person," he chuckled a little, relaxing into his chair again.

“I’m surprised I give off that impression..” Taemin shook his head, “I don’t know anyone here.. well, there are people I would like to know but..” he shrugged, “you know how it is, people are busy.”

He blinked, confused again. Disoriented again. There was a hint of bitterness in the other's words. Was he imagining other things? He looked away after a few moments of uncertainty. 

"Ah… well--" he began, then got cut off by the yelling in the distance. He checked his watch: five minutes to go. "Time went by so fast, didn't it?" he asked his wrist, then turned back at his companion for the evening. "Is there anything Taemin ssi wants to do before the year ends?" he asked. "I was hoping to get an ice cream, but… I may be a little late," he chuckled.

“I-“ Taemin hesitated, “I’ve always wanted to..” he stammers, “no, never mind, let’s get champagne!” 

The bartender who had been cleaning glasses on the other side of the bar comes over and pours two glasses, “on the house.” He winks before turning back to his work.

Still reeling from the effects of his shots, Jonghyun clinked glasses with the man but didn't sip. He smiled as the other did, then placed his glass back, sucking in a long inhale. 

"What's the first thing you want to do in the new year?"

Taemin sipped his glass before looking back at Jonghyun, “do you want honesty or..?” He asked, beginning to feel a bit more bold. 

"E-eh?" Jonghyun blinked. It was an odd question to be asked. He touched the side of his head. Honesty or… or what? Was there a possibility that the other had been lying to him all evening? Was there a reason for it? Was he being played with? 

He tensed when he nodded. "If… if you don't mind. Please don't hold back from saying what's on your mind," he encouraged even as his stomach sank. "I--I don't want you to think poorly of me, Taemin ssi. If… if I have offended you, please let me know."

“I’ve always wanted to kiss someone into the new year..” Taemin admitted, his cheeks red as he spoke. He kept his eyes averted, “but..” he started to laugh, “you and I are just acquaintances! I couldn’t ask that of you, no matter how cute you are..”

Jonghyun put his guard up. "Y-yes..." he replied nervously. Maybe it wasn't just him who was drunk. Maybe they were both out of their senses. Or... or this truly was some kind of odd dream about his neighbour, some way of his mind highlighting all that was missing from his life. "Yes. You're right. That would be--" 

The sound of even louder yells and fireworks broke his thought. He blinked upwards at the sky and stared in wonder as flash after brilliant flash marked the stroke of midnight. He felt a strange layer fall off him. A layer of... of what exactly, he couldn't name. Maybe anxiety that he wouldn't get another chance to try again. Try at fixing his life, try at making himself how he wanted to be. 

He sighed again, long and slow, watching the skies with admiration. "How nice…"

Taemin wasn’t sure if it was the overwhelming excitement that came from around them or the alcohol, but as soon as the fireworks went off he grabbed his glass and downed it before boldly kissing the man’s cheek.

Jonghyun’s soft cheek, that felt safe, that felt as if he wasn’t overstepping any boundaries, but when he pulled back he only felt the urge to leave, to run back to the serene safety of his apartment.

In his shock, Jonghyun nearly fell off his seat. He grappled with the edge of the table and the backrest of his chair. "O-oh!" he let out, staring wide eyed at the man before him. 

"I--!" he choked, unable to form a coherent response. He whipped his head around, ensuring no one had seen, no one had been watching them. "T-Taemin ssi…" he murmured, and there was a hint of a plea in that utterance. He couldn't do this. Not here, not in a place like this. Not if this was a dream. Not if this was going to turn into a nightmare when he woke up tomorrow. 

He gulped and shook his head a little, but couldn't say much else. A burn rose in his eyes even as the fireworks continued to explode above them, the first traces of burnt paper and ash beginning to shower around them. 

Taemin turned a deeper red, “s- Sorry..” he whispered, “happy new year.” He added before slipping off of the bar and running inside.

He wanted to hide his embarrassment, he wanted to hide his bold mistake. He cursed his drunkenness, cursed the new year, cursed everything as he waited patiently in the elevator.

He had a lot to say. Even in his silence he had a lot to say. But he didn't chase after the man, he stayed. He remained in his chair and blinked at a disappearing Taemin, a fever bubbling in him because of all that remained unsaid. 

He wondered if what had happened would show on his face tomorrow. Would it have left a trace on him? Would it be visible to anyone who took a closer look? He touched the place the lips had rested on his skin--it was warm, but no warmer than the rest of him. It felt the same and yet… and yet there was an odd tingle against the spot; like it no longer belonged to Jonghyun. Like it had become someone else's possession. A small inch of skin, on his face, now lost to another. 

Slipping off his chair, he walked over to the elevator, watching the panel show its journey upwards. Should he claim his skin back? Should he take something in return? Should he demand an explanation for why something of his had been taken so suddenly, so without warning? Should he fight to retake it? Should he let it go? 

Should he just go to sleep? Should he forget any of this ever happened? 

Pressing the button to call the lift back down, Jonghyun touched his face again. The fireworks above their building had died out, but celebrations continued elsewhere. He could hear their belated sound travel to him, could see their distant flashes in the corner of his eyes. What should he do? What should he do? What should he--?

Taemin fumbled with the code to his apartment before he finally entered. He tossed off his shoes before collapsing onto the couch and groaning.

He let his drunken mind spin before pulling out his phone to see a message from minjung wishing him a happy new year. When he opened his phone the message was accompanied with a selfie of her and her boyfriend on top of some tower abroad.

He huffed, “even that idiot has someone.” He tossed his phone aside and curled up towards the back of the couch, hiding from the flashing lights of the fireworks and the yells of joy outside.

In the first hour of the new year, all he wanted to do was sleep, sleep of the drunkenness and forget it ever happened.

Jonghyun considered the door to his apartment. He considered the door to every apartment. He considered the floor, the ceiling, the sprinklers and fire alarm and smoke detectors. He considered the blaze in his head, in his chest, in everything that made him. He considered it all and wondered if he should just go back down and dunk himself in the pool; if he should stay underwater until his lungs resisted and his body shook. He considered it as the elevator stayed stalled on their floor. 

When he was clean and sitting in the darkness of his room, the faint splutter of fireworks still breached its way in through the sealed windows. He skipped song after song on the sound system before settling on the one that spoke volumes of his mood. 

The start of another year. The start of 365 more days of disappointing outcomes and challenging situations. Or was it 366 this time? Would he have to live in fear for one extra day? Would he have to shield himself with twenty-four more hours of the possibility of failure, the potential for disenchantment, the probability that he would once again need to survive through judgement and his own indecision to take control. To fuck everything and take control. 

Take control. Could he do that? Was he even allowed? This building, these rules, this society had beaten him down to nearly a pulp. It had been so effective in crushing everything inside him that he now felt like he was no longer Jonghyun. No longer himself. No longer his mother's son or his noona's kid brother. He was no longer of this place--or he was. He belonged perfectly in the expectations, performed brilliantly when needed to. But really, it was someone else who had taken his place. 

Take control… how would he even begin? Where would he start? There was no specific point of origin, the mess of his mind spread out radially, blotting to different distances. Some he could reel back, some he would need months to find the beginnings of. It wouldn't be easy. And if he were even successful in locating the root of the problem, to fell the tree above it would just take too much from him. So steeped was he in the charade, that fixing something would be like pruning parts of his own existence. The cost would be unimaginable. How could he take control like that? How could he even think of it? 

He took a long drink of water, then padded out of his room: out of his apartment and into the floor lobby. Barefoot, in his pajamas, an empty bottle hanging to his side. He walked out and crossed the breadth of the hallway to stand before another door. 205, it announced. What would he achieve here? What would he find here? What would greet him, if he knocked right now, if he rang the bell and waited. If he stood and waited. 

He decided to find out.

The bell rang and Taemin shot up from the couch. He looked to his monitor to see the same man from before.

Scrambling to get to the door before the man left, he stubbed his toe and cursed himself before running across the slick floor. He looked in the mirror to see a tired looking man but despite that he tried his best, soothing his hair before he opened the door.

He gave the man a sheepish smile, “h- hey.. you rang?”

"When you look at me, what do you see?" Jonghyun asked, the question plucked out of a tangled bunch sitting under his tongue.

Taemin hummed, he leaned against the doorframe. “I.. see a man, a very attractive but shy man.” He looked Jonghyun up and down, “and.. every time I’ve seen this attractive man before me, I’ve wanted to say something.. but I was too stupid I needed to be drunk to say it.” He admitted.

Not the answer he was expecting to hear. Jonghyun let out a breath, stepping across the threshold uninvited and moving closer in proximity to the other. 

"No," he insisted, their noses separated by barely a few inches. "What do you really see?"

Taemin didn’t step down, taemin stood his ground and spoke his piece. “I- I see someone I want to get to know better, I see someone I could date, I see your gentle nature and kindness and- and every time I see you I want to better myself to match your kindness.”

He continued to shake his head even as the other spoke. The door closer pulled shut behind him, the lock sounding final. Like the blade of a guillotine falling, he imagined.

"What do you see?" he repeated, walking them backwards. 

Taemin wasn’t sure how to answer at this point as he walked backwards to the couch, “I- what do you want me to see?” 

What did he want people to see in him… what did he want people to accept as the definition of Kim Jonghyun? What did he wish he could show, openly and without judgment? 

"Everything," he admitted after a moment. "Will you see everything?" 

“I’ll do my best.. even if it’s not enough, I’ll try.” He whispered, tempted to touch him, but also scared to, scared if he touched, the man would leave and he would never see him again. 

Jonghyun treated the answer with suspicion. "Will you hide, or will you let it show?" he asked, staying apart, not yet doing what he wanted to do. "Will you treat what you see with shame? Or will you take it and make it yours?" he continued. "Will you make me yours?"

“Why would I want you to be anyone else’s?” He asked, “why would I not want anyone else to see?” He frowned, wondering why the silly question was even included.

Still unsure, Jonghyun gulped and reached out for the other's hand. "And… and you'll stay? No matter what anyone says?" he asked, a familiar fear gripping him limb by limb. "Will--will you stay even if… even if everyone else leaves you?"

Taemin took the hand firmly, “I will stay, I’ve never had a reason to leave..” he pulled the hand to his lips and pressed against the fingers, “but.. I will stay, only if you’ll have me.” 

Again… again, he realised. He had some hope again. Some. A scrap. A tiny glimmer. A passing moment's worth. Again. He sighed when the other took his hand. The alcohol was still swimming through him, but this wasn't a dream. The callused fingertips against his wrist were not a dream. The peacock eyes flitting over his features were not a dream. This night wasn't a dream. He was awake. He was taking control.

"OK…" he whispered, then nodded with more confidence. "OK, then."


End file.
